Life was going particularly well. I was out of an emotionally and in other ways abusive relationship, I had a beautiful daughter, and a wonderfully supportive partner who actually loved me. I had just started going to therapy for my previous relationship & the PTSD/anxiety/depression that was a result... and then my grandpa died.
The loss of my grandpa was particularly difficult. He was the male figure in my life where I had always received unconditional love.
Once this happened everything in my spiraled out of control.
The flashbacks of the childhood sexual abuse from a trusted family friend came back. I was 5 years old when it happened.
I started having panic attacks 2 to 4 times a day, even at work, life was a constant battle.
As talk therapy continued my symptoms got worse. I told my therapist I wanted to try EMDR therapy because I had researched what it could do for people with PTSD. Looking back I realize this therapist wasn’t actually trained in EMDR. My symptoms got worse still to the point that I was hanging on to the last little thread of my sanity and quit therapy altogether.
At this same time I was seeking out holistic remedies and healers. Some were amazing, others were just money hungry without actual results.
Shortly after dumping my first therapist, I met a Shaman and worked with her and 3 other female Shamans in Peru. There was a lot of healing that occured for me in South America.
I returned home and although I felt a ton better, I was still experiencing panic attacks about 1-2 times a week. I decided I needed to try EMDR again with a different therapist who knew what they were doing.
I found one and we were able to process the triggering memories within 3 months. He said it was partly due to my meditation practice and the fact that I was comfortable visualizing things.
I had done all this work and yet I was still having really difficult weeks. I was like, “I’ve done the work. Why is this still happening?”
The answer was my mindset. I was still living from a survival mindset. I was still watching my back, waiting to be taken advantage of. Then I had a wake up call. I was in a Kundalini Yoga class and you know when someone says something at the exact moment when you need to hear it? That is what happened. The teacher said, “Whatever you’re facing in life--You Are Strong Enough! Just do it. Stop playing small. Whatever you greatest desire is, work for it, it’s in your reach.” I went home and started my daily mantra and affirmation practice. I kept studying A Course in Miracles. I began reading everything I could from Louise Hay, Dr. Wayne Dyer, and Marianne Williamson.
My life began to shift. I could go to social functions again. I started teaching yoga regularly at the type of studios I only dreamt of teaching at. I began to get busy on the weekends holding regular Sound Baths with the Cosmic Currents. My work and home life became natura; and not such a struggle. Most of all I was genuinely happy and felt like myself again.
This doesn’t mean I live in this blissful state all the time. I am always working on speaking up for myself and setting healthy boundaries. And let's be real, life still happens, but I am able to realize all of it is temporary and the constant is change and Love.